Image: Nomoretaboo.org, Single Sisters in University
I have been an unhappy person from my teen years to my adult life. My unhappiness was due to the fact that I always wanted more than what I had. I started suffering from mild depression, but at the time I didn’t know that. It’s only when I started going to college that I realized I was suffering from depression; however, I never admitted it because I was ashamed. Hence, I couldn’t let people know what I was going through. I therefore hid this from my family and friends.
Depression hit me really hard after college. It was the toughest moment I had ever faced. I lost all my hope and faith in God. I stopped praying, reading the Bible, and going to church. I started isolating myself from my friends, family, and everybody else. My whole world went upside down. I became a very angry and impatient person. I started having problems at work and with my friends. I remember one time at work, my supervisor decided to switch me from the project I had been working for the past couple of months to a new project I wasn’t accustomed to. I got furious at her and she reported me to the upper manager who gave me a warning… Little by little I started losing sleep. Every night, I would toss and toss around without closing my eyes. As a result, I was constantly tired. I tried everything to help me sleep: Tylenol PM, working out, sleeping teas, etc. But none of them worked. Also during that time, I lost my appetite; I didn’t feel hungry anymore. I remember that I would go on for a whole day without eating. I was getting worse by the day. I began thinking of suicide; it was regularly on my mind. The dark thoughts of death were entirely consumed me.
I felt God was continually punishing me for losing faith in him. As a person who never showed my emotions, I was severely broken in my spirit. Secretly, I broke down every single day. I came to the edge of my life, ready to go to the other world, ready to tell God that I had chosen my path–to give up. Then one day, when I was about to go out, I found one of my old pants that I hadn’t worn for several months. As I was trying them on, I noticed how big they had become; then it struck me that I was the one who lost weight – tremendous amount of weight. I freaked out. I thought “Why am I giving Satan a foothold? Why am I killing myself?” That day, I resolved to turn my life around. I went on Youtube and searched any sermon on depression. I stumbled on Joyce Meyer’s sermons “Fighting Depression and Anxiety”, “Battlefield of the Mind”, and many others. I began meditating on the Word of God everyday, the more I did it, the more I started noticing a change in my attitude toward life. A glimpse of hope in my heart began to dawn. During that time, I found one of Jesusculture songs “Oh How He Loves Us”. Part of that song definitely made me the person I am today. It says:
His presence, His love, is so thick and tangible in this room tonight. And there are some of you here that have not encountered the love of God. And tonight God wants to encounter you. And wants you to feel His love.His amazing love.Without it these are just songs.These are just words.These are just instruments.Without the love of God, it’s just like we’re just up here just making noise.But the love of God changes us,And we’re never the same,We’re never the same After we encounter the love of GodWe’re never the same after we encounter the love of God And right now if you haven’t encountered the love of God,And you would know,Because you wouldn’t be the same.You would never be the same again.And if you, if you, want to encounter the love of God right now,You better just brace yourself
I realized that I had never encountered God’s love. I had never experienced His love for me or let Him love me that’s why I was going through what I was going through. Because when one encounters His love, he/she becomes a different person… It took me awhile to realize how much God loved me. As I began attending church again, reading the Bible, and receiving advice from my family, the burdens and the daily struggles became lighter. At last my faith became stronger, and I no longer felt tired, sad, or angry. An overwhelming feeling of relief and peace entered inside of me. My heart gradually healed.
Even though I do not have everything my heart desires and I still go through tribulations, I thank the Lord for the outpouring of peace I have now. God’s guidance leads me to discover all His promises and presently I am blessed and content to live life as He planned it to be. After all, God loves me and knows best.